Salt Lake v. Chivas USA
Salt Lake OWES the Eastern Conference. And oh by the way, they've been playing better than anyone actually in the Eastern Conference. They didn't back in to the playoffs either, like last year's Western Conference champs. This isn't out of the realm of possibility.

It would also be a middle finger held high to Kevin Payne, who put Salt Lake along with Colorado and New England on his personal list of dog show understudies. (One assumes – well, I assume – that the Galaxy was left off that list to avoid embarrassing former employee Bruce Arena and current brother Tom.) There are worse people than Kevin Payne to be issuing jeremiads against anti-futbol, but not in a year where wewintrophies.com redirects to the Preparation H site. (BREAKING NEWS EDIT! The Don just docked The Kevin five large for those cracks, as being "detrimental to the public image of the league.")

The perfect opponent for RSL would be CUSA, just because for some wack-ass reason Copa Della 2005 is one of the league's better rivalries. It would also make the league's older franchises want to crawl into a bunker until the asteroid comes, but let's face it, Colorado, you have it coming.

Seattle v. Columbus
The "Sigi Who?" Final. I'm pretty sure it would sell itself. The only thing more awesome than having the final on turf? Having a lower seed at home on turf.

Okay, Seattle as MLS Cup champions would be terrible to behold. If you think Sounders fans woof now, wait until they have a double to hit us over the head with. Especially after the mild reign of Columbus fans, chastened by their poor start and distracted by Canadians. Those of you old enough to remember how Fire fans acted when they debuted with a double can understand, but I actually predict Seattle fans will be worse.

Okay, as far as a comedy option, it would be awfully funny…just not so much fun to live through. Like the Nazi-Soviet Pact of Steel, basically.

Houston v. New England