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One week off, and I’m back with a vengeance! And by vengeance, I mean mediocre reading material with the dated jokes that I know you missed. And by missed I mean passively acknowledged without interest.

So, what did I miss? Two big announcements, both (oddly enough) coming about in an impressively lacklustre way. First off, the end of the fucking brand split!! Ok, maybe that’s an overstatement, but this is a pretty interesting signal of the direction at least. The brand split was already becoming pretty relaxed, so an official announcement in this regard (to be clear, the announcement was simply that Smackdown superstars could/would freely show up on Raw contests, and vice versa) clears things up, opens some doors for potential feuds (and speculations on title unifications), and stops some of the whining that goes on the internet about this sort of thing. Ok, that last one was a joke, but the rest of it’s valid.

The second announcement was HHH vs. CM Punk at Night of Champions! Considering that this is a match that fantasy bookers had on their WrestleMania 28 card, it was quite the surprise. While this is an awesome-sounding match on paper (and something we knew we’d see eventually), the backlash, of course, is that it’s all happening to fast (which is not unlike the backlash/skepticism surrounding Punk’s entire push thus far). Normally I’m quick to dismiss this sort of thing and be optimistic with what we’re getting, but in this case, I can’t really disagree with the popular criticism…it does feel a bit off. In fact, it feels so off, I’m almost expecting something big to go down that will either delay this one-on-one confrontation, or make the match irrelevant in the end (e.g. Punk gets royally screwed). There was some more stuff that went down on the show regarding this, so I’ll re-visit that thought later.

On with the show!

Time to Play the…

Wait, what? Oh, sorry I just assumed…hold on I can save this.

Time to Play the Cult of Personaaaaalityyy

Seamless.

CM Punk sits cross-legged in the ring with his pipe bomb (nice to hear him get a pop for that), and cuts a promo with the quality that we’ve now pretty much been spoiled with. He talks about how he’s not fooled by the shoving of HHH by Nash last week (oh yea, that happened too), implying that it’s all part of the conspiracy against him, and he believes HHH and Nash are still best buds. And of course, that leads to…

NWO Music for Some Reason

Seriously, I know Nash is nWo and all, but using it exclusively doesn’t make a ton of sense. But y’know what? Fuck it, it’s kinda cool.

Punk goes on to say that Nash represents the lack of change in the WWE, which is sort of an interesting take. As you may expect, the two exchange words, and things look like they’re going to start getting ugly until…you guessed it…

NOW it’s Time to Play that Game

If, by game, we mean firing. It’s the game of games, you either win, or you get gamed. Something like that.

Nash, upset with the COO, gives Trips an ultimatum…either he goes, or Punk goes. Apparently, HHH has been watching Raw for the past couple months, because he turns around and wishes Nash the best in his future endeavors. Of course, Nash can’t believe this, and storms off in a fury.

Nash came across really weak in this promo. However, in my mind, there’s almost a subtle genius to it. To suggest that an executive, with the best interest in the future of the company in mind, would choose 97-year-old Kevin fucking Nash over Punk is preposterous. However…if you look about it really closely…is this really a thinly disguised satire of WCW (and to an extent, TNA’s) hiring practices? Nash’s promo came off weak because he was yelling the entire time and using redundant/padded language…but really, that’s just a standard old school promo, right? Nash is supposed to be representing the “old school”, not as in old-school awesome (like GoBots), but old-school as in dated. He’s basically the college professor who tries to connect with his students by asking them to comment on his MySpace profile. So, part of me thinks that him coming off this way was intentional. And another part of me thinks he just had a bad night. Yes, I am capable of doublethought, thanks Big Brother.

Anyway, I should mention that the whole thing ends with Nash driving out with Johnny Ace. Despite the fact that WWE.com recently announced that they’ve parted ways (for reals), something Nash-esque (and possibly even Clique-esque) is going down at NoC.

Also, apparently Nash sent the text to himself. Um, I’m not even going to describe how silly that is, so I won’t get into it. I’m guessing it was a direct answer to the question “the internet has pretty much figured out all our ideas for who sent the text, so who can we throw in as a surprise?”. Well…played?

This match was, as you may have guessed, pretty standard fare for a WWE tag match. Bourne gets beat up on by the heels early, gets the hot tag to Kofi, who cleans house (by jumping unnecessarily high on all of his moves) until momentum shifts again, and finally ends with Khali accidentally hitting Mahal, allowing Bourne to hit the Air Bourne (or Shooting Star Press according to that wonderful man, JR) and get the cover.

Mahal didn’t look terrible, there’s actually nothing really wrong with him, but there’s also not a ton of reason to care about him just yet. Khali was Khali. Air Boom continue in their quest to bring respectability back to the tag titles (see, I can’t even capitalize them or use the proper name, that’s how far they’ve fallen), and despite a lot of well-warranted cynicism out there (including some by me, initially), I sort of believe in them. They got an actual tag-team name (and I’m pretty confident that I’m the only person in existence who likes it) (yes I know it was fan-voted, but we all know fans tend to vote for the stupidest thing possible), they’re both wearing the same color scheme, and they kinda-sorta have a tag entrance now (as far as singles-teaming-up entrances go anyway, admittedly this could be a done a LOT better). Now all they need are valid opponents, and as we’ll see shortly, that’s not far off.

Oh, I guess I’m compelled to mention that there’s now some Khali/Mahal tension going on. But who the fuck cares?

So apparently, this was a #1 contender’s match for the Divas title, which I didn’t really realize until after it was over. Which is good, because Beth winning should’ve been obvious enough on its own.

I have to say, and I have no idea where I’m getting this from, but if they unleashed Eve a bit (maybe a heel turn, once the Divas of Doom/Distruction/Distraction/Divination/Diorama-rama/Whatever thing is over), I see some potential in her. Her ring work is a little cheerleader-y, but at the same time you can tell she’s quite athletic and not terrible. She’s never really dropped the ball when it comes to a live mic spot (although that’s a small sample size). She’s got a nice look…I have a feeling she has some kind of personality that doesn’t get a chance to shine though, I dunno. In terms of the weak Divas roster, she’s one of the few who I’d like to see more of.

Oh, right. Y’know what though…even THAT was so bad it was awesome. Go Eve.

Anyway, we also got some Kelly and Natalya on commentary, which seems to be something the bookers love to do. My theory is that it forces people to watch the Divas matches, because guest commentary can be pretty interesting, however it’s been so over-used for the women it’s kind of lost its impact there. Natalya did a nice job of selling their “saviour” angle, while Kelly did a nice job of underwhelming responses.

…holy fuck!! I was actually just thinking the other day about how we never see this guy.

…and maybe that’s not a bad thing.

This match actually starts out with R-Truth coming out and dissing Punk (yea, I said “dissing”, take that MySpace!), and it’s sort of interesting. R-Truth believes there’s a conspiracy against him, so does Punk, and R-Truth believe that Punk’s part of that conspiracy, which means there’s a conspiracy of a conspiracy!! C-O-N-FUCKING-SPIRACIES EVERYWHERE!! Truth rocks. Miz joins him shortly into the ramble, makes fun of the crowd, there’s a fart joke in there somewhere, and they finish the promo by announcing their instant #1 contendership for the tag titles (by way of, y’know, being a tag-team with some pretty big names), challenging Air Boom at Night of Champions. Some might look at this as “holy fuck, how far has Miz fallen in a few months”? I look at it as another step in elevating the tag division. Something Miz has done before. He’s not getting anywhere near the WWE Title anytime soon, let’s be honest, so why not!?

And then, Punk’s music hits, and the match begins. Although R-Truth is probably as good as or better than Miz in the ring, and Punk always puts on a great match (I’m struggling to think of a match of his I haven’t enjoyed him in within the last couple years), this wasn’t as good as Miz/Punk last week (which was a match that came out of nowhere to really impress, and leave me hoping for a feud down the road). On a scarier note, Punk was either doing a fantastic job of selling a knee/leg injury, or he was visibly in pain and laboring through the last half of the match (most notably after a pretty impressive superplex). Truth did go to work on his leg for a bit, so it makes me hope for the former case, but I can usually detect pain when I see it. Either way, he finished like a champ, and put away R-Truth with the GTS, despite some interference attempts by Miz and his awesome suit.

Immediately after this match ended, HHH’s music played, and the COO (Truth really needs to come up with a conspiracy-esque meaning for those initials) came out to inform Punk that their match at Night of Champions is now no holds barred. Which, besides being the name of a movie starring Zeus, means that either a) there will definitely be some HHH-slanted shenanigans, and although you don’t need such a stipulation for this to occur, it does allow them to paint HHH as being “in” on the whole thing much easier, or b) HHH isn’t in-shape enough to put on a pure wrestling match. You might’ve guessed I voted for A.

Punk counters to this stipulation, however…he will only agree to it if HHH is fired as COO upon a loss. HHH agrees without hesitation, which is either a sign that he’s clearly got something up his sleeve, or he really hates this job and would rather be at home with his kids anyway. Again, I voted for A. But I liked this part of the stipulation less…because now I’m actually rooting for HHH to win. He’s been spectacular as the COO thus far, his work with Punk still has a ton of life left, and although they could certainly write him back into the storyline if he was “fired” (I don’t have to tell any Cena hater that it’s happened before), I really just want to keep him around and overtly screwing Punk at some point. Y’know, like it was YouPorn or something. Which would be especially awesome if Steph gets involved.

…Nash can maybe stay home.

…Waltman too. Although to be fair, he’s an experienced vet when it comes to this.

…let’s move on.

…mystery opponent…

FUCK YEAH!!! Ryder got his own video package and everything, very encouraging.

The match itself was nothing special, however, and was over pretty quickly. But Ryder fucking won!!

Also, McGillotunga just looked like punks. I’m curious to see if they’ll continue their spat with King, because it wouldn’t surprise me to see them drop straight off the card.

…and this match went about how you’d expect it to go. Pretty squashy, but Slater did get a little offense in, and even looked pretty good for a jobber.

I’m not sure why he’s now the “One Man Southern Rock-Band”, his moniker was cooler without the regional reference, but whatever. He still looks like an 80’s rockstar, and that’s enough to get me on your side.

And his target is, you guessed it, Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio (who’s actually there this week) assures Cena that the reason he’s been ducking him is because he wants to give him a fighting chance against him at NoC. He then brings out his army of mercenaries, which consist of Wade Barrett, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler and Christian (all men he’s been talking to backstage during the show). However, since Cena’s such a good guy, his buddies John Morrison, Sheamus, and Alex Riley run out to make the save. And in almost comical fashion, Teddy Long (wtf!?) comes out to make…A TAG-TEAM MATCH (oh)!!

Seriously, bringing back tag-team wrestling should just be Teddy’s entire gimmick. He LOVES that shit.

And here we go!

The match starts with Barrett and Riley going at it. The heel team beats on Riley, until Morrison gets the hot tag, but after some flippy-flip moves he is eliminated by a Ziggler sleeper/Swagger ankle lock combo (can’t reeaaallly blame him for tapping to that one). This prompts Vickie to come down to the ring, and then hey, it’s commercial time!

When we return, Riley is once again being beaten on, but eventually taps out to Swagger’s ankle lock (#2 for Swags!) Sheamus (who had the crowd audibly behind him throughout this match) is up next. He manages to defeat Barrett with his oirish moves of doom, and then goes toe-to-toe with Christian, until Christian slaps him across the face. This triggers a comical yet insanely awesome reaction from Sheamus, as he his face suddenly turns to RAGE, and he chases Christian through the arena until both men are counted out. We may have seen the birth of Christian’s newest feud, although I’m still holding hope for Sheamus/Barrett. But hey, that’s the other show.

The odds are against Cena, and by odds, I mean Cena going down to Vegas and betting against himself, because clearly there’s a 100% chance he’s winning. Despite an initial short burst of devastation, Team Vickie (Dolph/Swagger) takes the upper hand. They go on to survive another short burst of Cena awesomeness, and look like they have things wrapped up, until Ziggler tags himself in for the finish and the two men dispute. Naturally, Cena takes advantage of this, and eliminates Ziggler with the AA and Swagger with the STF. Del Rio comes in for his typical post-match pain session, but is quickly thwarted by Cena, who FINALLY comes out looking like the top dog at the end of a show during this feud (although if you ask anyone on the internet, every show ends like this).

Not a spectacular match, but there were truly no great matches on this show, so it did its job as a “keep the feud warm” match. The fact that Teddy Long created it remains all sorts of hilarious, and I’m seriously hoping that it’s a running joke amongst the bookers backstage that Teddy himself is not aware of at all.

A solid, but not great, show. It’s nice to see the champion actually back on television, even if he didn’t wrestle. The Punk/HHH feud seems to be accelerating at a dizzying speed, but remains entertaining and intriguing nonetheless. The mid-card remains pretty compelling with the cross-talent-promotion, and push of the tag team titles (and even Divas, to a much, much, much lesser extent). This was really a “glue” show, to hold the storyline together until Night of Champion gets here, and we might be treading water again next week, but it’ll be interested to see the fallout (if any) from the Nash ordeal.

It’s not working. As much as I love JR, it seems like he’s now just mailing it in for most of the show, and picking it up when the main event rolls around. King’s been mailing it in for so long that’s almost not noticeable. Oddly enough, Cole seems to be the only one trying hard, but that’s the thing…he’s trying too hard, and that’s always been his problem. He would be brilliant if he just toned things down a little, and while I got my hopes up last week (he was much better on both shows), history repeated itself this week. And I can’t blame JR at all…anything he says is immediately met with Cole mocking him (again, a shot here and there is fine for a heelish commentator, but he runs everything JR says into the ground), and Cole makes it impossible for him and King to have the back-and-forth banter that made their duo so memorable all those years back.

It’s just sad that we finally get JR back, and yet he’s lost in this whole thing. Why they don’t just revert back to JR/King, or even replace Cole with anyone who’s NOT Cole, is far beyond me.

Not that I’m bitter.

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